By Faith

Today I feel defeated. I feel hopeless and helpless and sad and I need chocolate. And lots of coffee.

There were times today I didn't even want to pray. I didn't know what to say. As I started to tell God just that, I don't know WHAT to do...or say...or want right now. It was like he whispered..."by faith"

And then I remembered...

Hebrews 11

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.

By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.

By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised. Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born descendants as many as the stars of heaven and as many as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore.

These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son, of whom it was said, “Through Isaac shall your offspring be named.” He considered that God was able even to raise him from the dead, from which, figuratively speaking, he did receive him back. By faith Isaac invoked future blessings on Jacob and Esau. By faith Jacob, when dying, blessed each of the sons of Joseph, bowing in worship over the head of his staff. By faith Joseph, at the end of his life, made mention of the exodus of the Israelites and gave directions concerning his bones.

By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict. By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward. By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible. By faith he kept the Passover and sprinkled the blood, so that the Destroyer of the firstborn might not touch them.

By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned. By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to tell of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, of David and Samuel and the prophets— who through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection. Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life. Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated— of whom the world was not worthy—wandering about in deserts and mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth.

And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect.

I'm not sure if you remember any of my other posts about our adoption because well, many of them were something like 18 months ago, but when we started this adoption, we stepped out in faith. We know that adoption in any country in any time, is uncertain and scary. And although today is just a really "low" day for me in the adoption sense, I know that it is by faith we started the process and by faith we will finish. I remember having a conversation about how uncertain life is, how we never expected to lose Thao or suffer miscarriages...or wait this long for Crusoe and Isa to come home, but one thing is for certain....and that is the steadfastness of our God. In this world we WILL have trouble....but take heart He has overcome the world! (John 16:33)

Our lives will not be perfect or easy or even beautiful all the time. Sometimes I want it to be easy. Sometimes I am tired of being patient. Sometimes I just want to close the door and watch tv in my pajamas. 

But I know our awesome God and He knows the big picture. I only know the now. Today I only know the pain of wanting my African babies home with me. It's hard to even think about a bigger picture. 

And after I pout and frown about how unfair my life is...and after I lament over the fact that I am STILL waiting. And after I have to explain to my children that their brother and sister are not coming home yet....I realize I could waste a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. 

I don't need to be strong, but I need to rely on the One who is. Bad things happen in this world. Period. I cannot control the fact that my kids are not home yet but I will not let it control me. I will put my faith in the One who created them, who created all of us. 

I want to live by faith an un-wasted life, full of love for our steadfast, good God. And I want my kids to see that. There are hard days, but by the grace of God, we are not defeated.