Sometimes in life it feels as if we are going one step forward and two steps back. In the midst of uncertainty and chaos, when our plans have been shifted out of our control, we have two choices. We can cling to hope or settle in despair. We can spiral with the world, react out of fear or set our feet firmly in faith, struggle through with the Lord, and do even one thing that we know is right.
For our family this shelter-in-place has been tragic. We have lost both my grandparents within ten days of each other. We have gathered with family to say our goodbyes, only to be restricted and forced to distance ourselves AND wear masks (one or the other I’d comply with out of respect, both is outrageous and I am not sorry). This past month has been hard, overwhelming and just a lot to bear. I joke about how this was my year. My year to finally settle, to plan, to know the schedule and to actually buy a planner. My year to plant a garden and get goats and chickens. I was making the best of this having a normal job and being on a normal schedule and not being able to travel business. I was going to do the things I dreamed of long ago.
And then…our plans flipped upside down and restrictions in the state I live led us to look for houses in other states. But, our lives and those around us paused for a pandemic. And in the midst of these “unprecedented” times of shelter in place and social distancing and mask wearing, we suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly lost both of my grandparents within ten days of each other. And again my world feels shaken. For as long as I can remember I dreamed of buying their house someday. For as long as I can remember, they have been there for me. For as long as I can remember, my plans have not worked out, but God’s plans are more. Are better. Are sovereign. And I trust him.
I’ve been struggling with what to do. Is the Lord stripping away the things that would keep me here? Am I too comfortable? Or am I just content? Is this the place the Lord wants me? Am I always on the verge of another shift? Will anything really make sense?
When things feel as though they are spiraling, I always try to do the normal. I make my bed, drink my coffee, read my Bible to start my day. I make the kids’ breakfast, do school and laundry, convince the toddler to nap. Our lives will always have its ups and downs. There will always be unknowns. And there is never really a good or convenient time for illness or loss or grief.
And we understand this really well. We also understand that life keeps going and we must choose hope or despair. We choose hope to keep living, keep loving and risk more pain and loss. All for the sake of the Kingdom, but also for the sake of our own lives. To live lives that are fulfilled and love filled and joy filled. Because if we don’t, we miss out on so much.
If we would have given in to despair after losing Thao, we could have missed out on Crusoe and Isa and Luca. We could have missed out on other adventures and blessings and gifts. So we keep opening our arms and our hearts and our home. Because the Lord has given us much and we have much to give.
Through all of this, we have begun the licensing process for foster care. We don’t know where it will lead or where it will end. We don’t know who or how many children will pass through our home. We know it will be painful for both us and them. We know it will be hard. We also know there will be holy moments and some not so holy ones. We know that redemption and healing happen. We know that love, that Love calls us into deeper and sometimes confusing and counter-cultural things. We know that we are entering into more uncertainty, but choosing to do it with hope.
Here we go. And please, feel free to ask all the questions.
